(This post is LONG and all over the place sorry….therapy Sunday has been moved to Friday apparently!)
One of her red, white and blue outfits…the skirt practically fell off….
First I want to talk about yesterdays post – when I wrote it I was dead set serious. If it had been possible then I would have quit yesterday. But this morning when I reread it I realized it was pretty funny – so don’t worry about laughing along with it even if I never realized I was funny when I was writing it, I do now! Trust me I was NOT trying to be funny, it just happened! My mother in law made a good point tonight though – boy would I miss those cute little faces from last weekend. I can still remember Little Man – his whole face lit up and he practically ran to me Friday night, I am not sure he had ever been happier to see me. He had been asleep when I left in the morning and so he had not seen me for 24 hours and while his sister had woke up the prior night and insisted on sleeping curled up on me he did not so I didn’t get to see him. (She was pretty happy to see me as well but not as happy as he was!)
I have heard from MANY parents of multiples that I am at the worse point of parenting multiples…the toddler years and the terrible twos. More than one stay at home mom to multiples has told me that they too wished they worked during this period – it is ok. Here is where my OCD kicks in though – I am too worried that I am not the “perfect” mother… that they wore the same clothes for two days, that they went a week without a bath, that the toys only got picked up once this week, that one day all they ate was cheerios, that I had not showered all week, that I had not returned an e-mail or phone call all week, or made a decent dinner (hamburger helper does not count in my book). See in my warped mind my kitchen should be spotless, dinner should be on the table and the kids behaving when Aaron walks through the door, the toys picked up when the kids go to bed and all play groups and book readings attended through out the week and not just one trip to the fabric store….
Ok I am about to go into TMI for some here so if you are related – or one of our parents you might want to stop reading — heck you might want to stop reading if you just don’t like TMI — any way I mean Aaron and I have been on ONE date night in 9 months, we have only “played backgammon” (my brother thinks we don’t actually play the game backgammon but well have marital relations every time we talk about playing backgammon – we almost always are really playing backgammon but now playing backgammon has become a joke around here) three times in that nine months (and the last time we woke up a baby so I am scared to do it again), most nights after the babies are in bed we talk and enjoy some time to us BUT I miss being able to just hang out just the two of us and not have to worry about the monitor and crying babies. I mean I would like to “play backgammon” more often as well – but well that does not seem to be happening either. How do you all that are still reading do it? I mean really – while I have never felt closer to Aaron on some levels on others I feel like we could not be further apart…TMI over…I promise!
So see I have an idea of what perfect should be in my book and I am far from it — add to it that the last paying job I had not only preferred perfectionism but often not only demand it but rewarded it. I cannot stop trying to be perfect (which is part of the reason I almost never leave home as we are some sort of a show when we leave – the obviously white woman with two asian babies who appear to be the same age and the 12 million questions that ensue — a post for another day so we must look and act perfect in public which is NOT possible with two toddlers). I think I stress to much over perfect and don’t just let things be enough — in my mind making me a BAD mommy (well that and I lose my patience with one or both of them once in a while and that adds to the BAD mommy feeling)…
I just want to be the good mommy and the perfect wife…but not being either is just stressing me out way too much. Does that make sense?
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many, many years ago I felt the same way! There’s a poem that has been floating out there somewhere for a long time to the effect of Children Learn…I have it somewhere and when I find it I’ll share it with you.
but the point being that at this stage – toddler, terrible 2’s – they won’t remember the clean house, dirty dishes, laundry stacks…they will remember feeling loved, protected. And you do that….
as for leaving the house as a white women with 2 asian children, remember all those you know in YOUR town that have at least the same: white women, asian child…it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, you are doing a great service to the world by not letting the “system” take care of our two adorable, sometimes stubborn children (and on that note, from personal experience, once they learn to communicate I really feel that some of those tantrums, if you will, will stop – once Allison learned simple signs and she had to say the words with the signs (she had a terffic speech teacher) and her motor skills were accomplished, she started talking and the tantrums really became less)
have you noticed that white, white also have problems with children acting up when shopping….it is a universal child thing!!
as for the TMI – let them have a book in bed to read ………:)
I don’t know how old you are, but let me tell you, the older you get, the less you worry about “how it looks”. I’m serious. I was the same way when my oldest children were young. I am so over that!!! And it is so refreshing and “freeing”!
Take my word for it… YOU also will not remember the days when all they eat is Cheerios, or the mess, or the days you didn’t get dressed. (Well, unless you write it all down!) It’s true that as time goes on, you will mostly remember the good stuff… and the rest of it will make you laugh.
If your kids are happy and having their needs met (which they are obviously both), you are doing a great job. You really are. More moms are like you than you think.
As far as playing backgammon… that comes back, too.
With little ones, it’s not easy to find the time and/or energy… but I know you know how important it is to nurture the husband/wife relationship. I think it takes communication, prayer, and effort.
I haven’t been there done that yet, but I will tell you this. I have a cousin who is a “perfect” mommy. Her house is spotless, her kids are in a million activities a piece, they are always perfectly dressed, perfectly behaved…. yada yada… blah blah blah. Her kids also smile, but never laugh. They don’t do anything adventurous and unplanned. They never enjoyed things like fingerpainting, pumpkin carving, or any of the other activities that might make them dirty or ruin their clothes. I honestly think nobody can be a perfect parent, but the closest you can get is to have a child that has the best belly laughs… the kid that loves to bring you mud pies, the kid that isn’t afraid to play any game you can imagine. If you spend more time investing in their creativity, imagination and self confidence then you do scrubbing, washing, and primping for them…. what a perfect family you will create
sorry, no advice here. we have the same problems…
i did really enjoy reading heather’s advice though!
Ditto a million times over what Heather said…
Who cares what people think- and do you really have time to worry about it?
Let go of being perfect pronto. It *will* affect your kids and they may grow up wondering if they meet your expectations…even if that is not your intention. Does that make sense?
You should reread Heather’s comment every day for the next year. Seriously. Print it out and post it on your bathroom mirror. As for playing backgammon – stress can do that to you. And fatigue. It WILL get better… and then you can play backgammon whenever you want. Heh.
Just know that you only see the best sides of people when they’re out and about. You won’t see the other women when they haven’t showered for days (or you won’t notice how greasy our hair is because you’re too busy with your own kids!). You won’t know that the other couple next to you hasn’t been playing backgammon much either, because it’s not something that is usually discussed in detail.
No one’s life is perfect. And really? Would any of us truly want it to be?
Your kids are gorgeous. Take them out and show them off! So what if they are obviously Asian and you’re obviously Caucasian?!? They’re also attracting attention because they’re adorable twins. And because they’re little kids! All little kids attract attention. Trust me!
I hope to meet you at BlogHer!