(she wanted to wear my glasses….)

(and just cause I like it)

So it is that time of year again…I am taking pictures over the next couple of weeks for Christmas and family who received pictures last year. The plan is to make a book like I did last year and let them choose again only this year there will be all kinds of smiles to choose from as well as a few others! (For my mom: yes their outfits match, yes I asked for it that way and yes I realize that when I was younger I SWORE I would never do that to my kids….) For everyone who wants to know their outfits are made by Rare Editions and were not easy to find, but thankfully my mother-in-law was on board with helping me do just that so we were able to have them for pictures AND Thanksgiving! So Help round one (and thanks in advance):

Tell me which of the following pictures are your favorites (I have mine but I am not telling!):

Little Princess:

Little Man:

Together:

Are you adopting? Want to adopt one day? Been through an adoption and survived that crazy wait — you know the one from the start of the adoption to the moment that adoption is final in your mind and the child is in your arms (even if a court has not said so yet). Well then join me Monday October 26th to talk about that wait — I want to hear from people in all stages of the wait and from those who have been there done that!

I know you are out there — I went through that wait with so many of you and am still suffering through the wait with others! SO please come, you don’t have to get on camera, I will do all the talking and/or reading (I read some of the things going on in the chat room). Come and be a lurker and don’t log in (it is ok I promise!) to learn tips or find out what got me through!

So if I have convinced you to come and try it out — to watch at least! Come here at 9 p.m. EST Monday October 26, 2009 and then click on this button:

You will then see my absolutely beautiful face (hehe) and get to listen to me and anyone else who is on webcam! Please come and support me!

For this month I have teamed up with that amazing group of women I talk to most of the day everyday to join in a Breast Cancer Awareness month campaign. Each day one of us writes a “How do you PINK?” post. You can find our schedule below. You can help by stopping by everyone’s blog and joining on our MckLinky with your “How do you PINK?” post.

Mondays: Momma’Tudes
Tuesdays: Jen Hinton.com
Wednesdays: Scraps of My Geek Life
Thursdays: Faith, Hope, and Love
Fridays: Cheryl Budge.com & Childhood Clothing
Saturdays: Bantering Blonde
Sundays: A Busy Mommy

So this week I am writing about a very special woman, Ann L., my best friend from college’s mom and I have a picture or two of Ann but I cannot find them and this was before digital so they are actual pictures.

When I was in college I had joined a sorority and during my sophomore year rush I met the most amazing freshman ever! She became the little sis of another friend of mine and somehow it took a little under a year for the two of us to become the best of friends. I went to college in this tiny little town and Sarah’s parents lived in the closest big town, only 15 minutes away! By junior year I was going to Sarah’s parent’s house almost every Sunday for dinner — I had become so much a member of the family that I had my own things I had to do to get the dinners ready! I really felt like a member of her family even going as far as meeting her brother and sister’s dates!

When I graduated from college, I had spent my last semester of college studying in Washington DC and so I had no where to stay for senior week until Sarah’s family offered to let me stay there. I did but during that stay there was a tornado sighting near the town they lived in and so Sarah, her parents and I headed to the basement where her mom kept everyone calm and called to check on her siblings at work. Ann was amazing and so much fun to hang out with!

Sarah graduated the next year from college and took a job that required her to live further from home, by the time she took a job that left her in one place she had settled in Ohio. I believe it was around that time that her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I cried with Sarah and tried to visit with Ann as much as possible. Ann had her good days and her bad but it really seemed as if she was winning the battle, matter of fact I am pretty sure they said she was in remission at least once. Then there was the news that the cancer had spread to her bones but they assured her family that it could be controlled.

Ann still did so many things, she lived her life. Then one day Sarah called and things were going down hill. She was taking family medical leave from work and going home to help care for her mom. Less than a week later we were all surrounding her family – and by all I mean everyone who knew Sarah and her family – Ann had touched everyone in such great ways and sometimes it was just how she raised her children. One month after her mom’s passing, Sarah’s sister got married without her mom but Ann had helped plan the wedding until the day she passed. On October 10th, 2009 Sarah got married without her mom as well…this weekend we will travel to Ohio for Sarah’s wedding reception (she had a destination wedding) where I am sure I too will miss Ann again.

Ann would tell you to get checked she always did and to always do your self exams and fight to the end. But the advice Ann would give to any of you is live your life everyday don’t let anything get you back, you never know when it may be your last day.So today I wear pink for Ann and my Aunt and my Grandma and all of those who had to suffer from this terrible disease.

Tomorrow’s How do you PINK? posts will be at two blogs Cheryl Budge.com& Childhood Clothing.

Click here to enter your link and view the entire list of entered links…

Want to be a part of this Blog Hop? Click here to see instructions and get the code…

(Ok so I am LATE but better late than never!)

Little Man….maybe the next Tiger Woods:

And I think Little Princess’ shirt says it all, especially lately:

Just in case you cannot read it:

Her favorite place to play (yes she is under the car/train/craft table):

And the best $7 I ever spent (she loves this toy in so many ways – to carry around the animals in the case, to play with them on the mat, to pretend play with the animals, etc…)

And finally….I thought she was too young to be this into American Girl — seriously this is her favorite “book” right now….it is torn though because she and her brother battle over it:

Yeah there is a title I never thought I would write. I always thought it would be “How do I get them to STOP fighting” but they don’t fight. Really the title should be “Teaching Little Man to Stand Up for Himself.” Apparently Little Princess has taken to the name and believes that every toy in the house is HERS and hers alone even though 90% of the toys she could care less about unless her brother has them and then watch out she wants THAT item immediately.

Since they came home over a year ago we watched them steal toys from each other and I decided early on that if no one was crying then I was not going to get involved, it needed to be between the two of them. This worked very well until recently, when Little Man decided that he didn’t want to take the item back he just wanted he wanted to throw HUGE fits until I, me, his mom and not him takes the item back and then and only then is he happy again. What?

So the first time, I went to take said item back from the Princess and my first thought was “wow this child has some grip, no wonder he wants me to get it back.” When I loosened the item from her grip and gave it back to her now happy brother, I now had a not so happy Princess on my hands. It was then I realized it was a lose-lose situation unless I taught them how to deal with this on their own – or better said fight over the item.

While that was my first thought it was not the first thing I tried, I tried taking the toy away and putting it in toy jail. The first toy in toy jail was not lonely for long less than one minute before I was adding another toy and then another and then another. Have you seen the sheer number of toys (and books) in this house, this could last DAYS and there is no room in our house big enough to call toy jail for every toy in the house. That idea was shot and I could not keep taking toys away, no one would eat, sleep or be able to go to the bathroom (because I would lock myself in there to get away from the twins and the toys).

I decided why not…they have to fight someday right? Someone has to teach them, right? Why not be able to teach them how to fight nicely (they are 2 don’t burst my bubble yet please)? And I did it, the next time the cycle started I took Little Man’s hand and showed him how to take the toy back nicely. And it worked – about 50% of the time, the other 50% he comes to me crying and pointing (remember he has about 3 words and none of them work in this situation). And the good mother that I am, I roll my eyes and tell him to go get it back from his sister, which NEVER works by the way. So I go over, pry the toy out of his sister’s hand (remember the grip), and back to toy jail the toy goes. And TWO massive fits happen and I am back to square one….

So really I am ready to hear “MINE” squared….it is coming right? Or should I just tell their grandparents we need a boxing ring for Christmas?

So I said I needed more laughter – well this weekend my husband provided it! Before I tell this story I love my husband, I love that he does all of the grocery shopping, I love that he likes to watch the budget and I love that he is a numbers guy!

Friday he said he would get the groceries if I made the list! So I did and he did…he went to Sam’s for a few items so that he could get a deal! And he came home with this:

He saw this and thought wow this would really help my wonderful wife who makes a loaf or two of bread a week in her bread maker. And it was cheaper than 10 lbs of bread flour at the store so he thought he hit the jackpot. This is what I saw:

25 pounds…25 pounds really??? DO you know how long it will take me to use 25 lbs of bread flour, I do. It will take me at least 6 months…

So I did this:

10 cups of flour per bag, 7 bags….

Now who wants a loaf of bread? I have 25 lbs of bread flour to use (Oh yeah and he says to me I was going to buy you 50 lbs of popcorn kernels – I like it plain with no butter or anything so we pop it ourselves – I just started laughing again when he said but I thought better of it!) 

(I LOVE the look on her face here — like she is GOING to get him…and soon!)

I sit here crying… not because I am sad but because people who I have known what seems like forever and people who I am just now ‘meeting” got exactly what I meant in the last post (I promise to get around to e-mailing all of you AND visiting your blogs). Now let’s talk about why “mama” and “I love you” are so important to me…why those are the words I want to hear, in some ways I need to hear them and why I so want them to not only say them but know what they mean.

I have spent the last year at home with my kids. One year….it was supposed to be 3 months and then maybe a few days a week while I worked the others and got to have something that made me who I am. For the first two to three months, I felt like a full time babysitter where the parents had just left these two babies and it was my job to make sure they were happy, they ate their meals, had their diapers changed and generally were great kids.

When I had to quit my job to stay home to make sure they would be great kids someday, I hated it. I didn’t want to but I did. I went from a career where I would tell people what I did to quietly whispering that I am a “stay at home mom.” I tried to find some better way to describe it and couldn’t. I tried to do things at home so that I could say that I wasn’t a stay at home mom.

When that didn’t work, I threw myself into the therapies that both children required. If it killed me I was going to do everything possible to catch them up to other children the same age. The therapists were impressed that I worked so hard and they were impressed at how quickly my little miracles were catching up especially since the bulk of the problem was their unbelievably early birth. So now I am down to the last one – the last thing I can throw myself into to get away from my real problem.

What I have not done in the last year is evaluate how I felt  about leaving the work force that I had been a part of since I was 14, I had not thought about how devastated I would be to have my plan ruined in my mind. Yes I agree I did it for the absolute BEST reason and their smiles should make me so happy but they barely made me smile. I have been going down hill over the last year. I was not prepared to make nothing, have to start living on a budget, tell friends no I could not do x, y or z because I cannot afford it, or learn to hate the house I live in any more than I already do.

In January I was somewhat positive by June I was downright negative all the time. When I wanted to talk, everyone was at work and when they wanted to talk I just wanted to curl up in a ball because someone else was home to take care of the kids. I stopped sleeping because if I slept I lost out on me time. The lack of sleep didn’t help at all, matter of fact it made things worse. My friends that talked to me regularly stopped (well there were a few exceptions – not sure why but there were). I felt even more alone – I would go out of my way to drive past the courthouse so I could dream about what was happening there. 

I now realize there is no end in sight to me being a stay at home mom and while I am supposed to be happy about that, it is a “honor” to stay home with your kids right? But nothing is funny anymore – I mean when you go upstairs and find your son sleeping in his birthday suit when he should have been 100% fully clothed you shouldn’t completely lose it and scream at him…you should be able to see the humor in that and I didn’t, I got mad, beyond mad. That was the night I realized something has to change – my kids don’t deserve a mom who yells and I don’t deserve to live in the self imposed hell anymore. I cannot envy everyone anymore – I envy those who work because they work, I envy those who stay at home and appear happy because they are happy staying at home, I envy those who work at home because in my warped mind they seem to have it all….see I just envy.

So now I am searching for happiness…I am searching for peace….I am searching for something I have never had – contentment. I am trying to find out who I am – I am not the woman hoping to be a lawyer, the lawyer or even the adoptive mother, I am Carissa but I am not sure who Carissa really is. So I start a journey to figure it out…come with me!

I cannot promise that I will be happy anytime soon BUT I can promise I am trying. I am trying to have fun with my kids and not make everything a learning experience, I am trying to be happy everyday and find something to laugh about and I am trying to be a better friend. But I have a favor to ask of you – if you hear from me and all it says is “Right now I need a laugh” know that I need a friend and not someone to judge me, I need a smile and I really don’t need to talk about my day! I will do my best to find my own smiles but please help!  (And anyone who has been here feel free to leave a tip or two as well…)

And I am not going to stop being honest here…this is my outlet and the one place I get to let it all go so read or don’t read! And if you are new here sorry…I am not always like this….it does get better!

Yeah I know – two weeks no real posts…no words from me. Really I had none, zero for a lot of reasons, some I can talk about some I cannot. But one I can talk about makes me want to talk to the other adoptive parents who have adopted toddlers because I think that is the root of my issue….

In the last two weeks I started catching up on two months of reading the blogs I LIVED for while we were in the process of adopting, the women who made sure I made it through the first six months home, the support system that I had given up on or at least it felt like I had even if they didn’t think I had. Seriously I was trying to read EVERY post I missed, and as I was reading I remembered why I stopped reading – because the amazing posts made me feel like a bad mom even though not a single one of them said CARISSA YOU ARE A HORRIBLE MOTHER. What would make me feel that way? Why would I let words on a page get to me?

Because my two year olds have no language to speak of, I know a one year old who has more language skills than my kids do, and I read posts of 13 month olds with more words than my two year olds – 47 more words to be exact. It used to be that they were behind on everything and after months and months of hard work they are typical two year olds in every other sense. I am sure they are sick of therapists and mama telling them what every item they see is. I am pretty sure that they think I am some sort of tyrant, the tears my son cries when I walk out the door (even to just get the mail) are tears of happiness that the crazy woman he MIGHT call mama someday is FINALLY gone.

I am pretty sure they don’t call me mama because if they kind of get it right I throw a HUGE party and they cannot figure out what is so special about that ONE word that their favorite doll says all the time. Actually if Little Princess says mama she is usually talking about the doll that I would like to draw and quarter.

The kicker is that they talk to each other ALL the time (just in case some non-adoptive parents are reading – no they don’t talk to each other in Korean but in twin talk). I know they are close, I know they love each other even when they are mad at each other, I know they love to play with each other and I am getting to the point where I think they are telling each other “Don’t talk to that woman – she is NUTS…”

(yes I made the hat, yes I realize it is not Christmas yet, yes he threw a HUGE fit when I took it off, yes we had JUST finished dinner – tacos and spanish rice…)

So I stopped reading again…I envy all of you who get to hear the words “I love you” or even “mama” daily and know that your children mean you and are talking about you. I don’t want to envy you, and I want to read but I have to have a way to deal with these feelings.

So my question is to those of you who adopted toddlers – how long did the language take? And how did you deal with it – was it easy or did you have the same issues I am right now? We brought the twins home at 14 months old, they were starting to say (and know what they mean) some words in Korean then…and now 12 months later I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I know that everything is ok and I have been told that the words they do have make it so that we know their language is ok just they are not talking to anyone other than each other.

(So you know this is not the WHOLE reason why I was out of words…there is more watch for that over the next few days. I have a guest post from a really cool daddy blogger, and at least one fun post so I will get to the other post soon I promise….it is important as well.)

For this month I have teamed up with that amazing group of women I talk to most of the day everyday to join in a Breast Cancer Awareness month campaign. Each day one of us writes a “How do you PINK?” post. You can find our schedule below. You can help by stopping by everyone’s blog and joining on our MckLinky with your “How do you PINK?” post.

Mondays: Momma’Tudes
Tuesdays: Jen Hinton.com
Wednesdays: Scraps of My Geek Life
Thursdays: Faith, Hope, and Love
Fridays: Cheryl Budge.com & Childhood Clothing
Saturdays: Bantering Blonde
Sundays: A Busy Mommy

It is week two and this week I want to talk about an amazing breast cancer survivor, my Aunt Lisa. She is married to my dad’s brother and I cannot remember a part of my life where she was not present. My brother and her oldest son were close in age growing up and then my sister and her daughter were only mere months apart and to this day those two are like sisters themselves. Oh yeah and the brother she is married to is probably the brother my dad is closest to, I could be wrong but I doubt it.

I don’t remember her battle with cancer very well because well I was in law school when it happened. What I remember is no complaints and yes I did see her…my dad’s mom passed my first year of law school and I went home and stayed with that Aunt and her family, for my first two years of law school her oldest son went to undergrad at the same school so I didn’t live under a rock. I also remember hearing that she had breast cancer and the wave of fear – it had not been that long since I had watched my grandma suffer and every time I hear breast cancer that is what I think – the battle.

My aunt is a strong woman who is funny and fun to hang out with, she was instrumental in helping with my sister’s wedding and helped pull off that beautiful day! She hangs out with her grandchildren almost every weekend and is very generous. I cannot imagine a world with out her as I am sure her family cannot either. So we all walk with her every year at the Koman Race for the Cure in May where we live. We celebrate her as a multi-year survivor and laugh and pray that we never have to deal with this nasty cancer again.

My Aunt is not afraid to tell people get your mammograms, have your lumps checked out and make sure you take care of yourself! She is also not afraid to support those going through the process, sometimes it helps to have someone who has been there done that!

So today I challenge you to honor the survivors that you know! Wear pink for them…show them what they mean to you!

Tomorrow’s How do you PINK? posts will be at two blogs Cheryl Budge.com & Childhood Clothing.

Click here to enter your link and view the entire list of entered links…

Want to be a part of this Blog Hop? Click here to see instructions and get the code…